Sicky poo pudding, a stick of butter and lots of carpet cleaner….

The below is graphic. I you don’t like discussing poop or throw-up then stop reading now! : )

I was out sick Tuesday and Wednesday. Flu-like symptoms. All around I felt like a (and I quote Bekka Supp on this) “bag of smashed assholes”. So when your tummy is rumbling and mumbling and on the brink of making sure you spend quality time with your porcelain throne, the LAST thing you want to do is clean up someone (or something) else’s sickness.

Here is how it started-

Monday night I was watching a movie and eating a late night snack of saltine crackers and butter. Sounds gross? Don’t judge me…just try it. I got up and was putzing around doing who knows what and when I come back the stick of butter is gone. Mind you it was a brand new stick that I had unwrapped. A full ½ cup of butter has disappeared. This can’t be good.

*slants eyes* “Chaweenie,” I grumbled. That little SNEAK! I searched for the missing stick and found it under my coffee table. Aside from a few bites she ate THE WHOLE THING! I found Chaweenie under my bed…trying to act not guilty. (That dog needs to realize that hiding under my bed is an obvious admission of guilt. She only does it when she has done something naughty and/or she is trying to hide from me so I can’t put her anti-bark collar on. C’mon now.)

Gross. I look at her and say “This is gonna be bad.” By this time my tummy was starting to let me know it was really pissed off at me. Great.

I head to bed and had the delight of being woken up at 5:30am by the rancid smell of crap. My eyes popped open and my head snapped back like somebody had some smelling salts all up in my face. I get up to investigate and find two HUGE piles of dog poo pudding seeping into my carpet. Blech! *dry heave* SHIT! I couldn’t yell at Chaweenie because 1.) she looked so damn pitiful and sickly 2.) diarrhea sucks and who wants to be yelled at for something you can’t control and 3.) she’s Chaweenie. Have you ever tried to get mad at her while looking into her sweet brown eyes? No? Well, try it someday….it’s friggin IMPOSSIBLE!

So after scooping up the poo pudding and dousing the spots with carpet cleaner I wash up and head back to bed. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it feels so good to stretch out and roll around in my blanke...wait…what in the hell IS THIS….?

After elongating myself in my bed I had the pleasure of sticking my foot in a pile of butter puke with some tasty dog food bits mixed in for texture. Yep…all up in my blankets and all on my foot. *dry heave      again* Now THAT smell was worse than the poo-splosion! So now my bed was off limits as I stripped it down. And by then I was feeling like total ass so after heading downstairs (with a hoodie on to hide the fact that I had just rolled out of bed and looked like a hot mess!) to put my blankets in the wash I hunkered down on my couch.

Chaweenie proceeds to puke 3 more times over the next few hours. Once on the couch. More blankets to wash. Dog FAIL! Luckily no more poo-splosions happened in my house. But like butter puke is any better.

I head to the store to get some sick supplies. I take Chaweenie with me because she is my side-kick and pretty much goes everywhere with me. I MADE SURE she went to the bathroom before we left. Like a good girl she poo-pudding-ed the grass outside my building. (and farted really loudly that it made a passerby laugh! Mwaha ha ha!) Nice. I take off to the store. I am in there (still looking like a hot mess. That part did not improve) for less than 15 mins and come back out to my car. POO PUDDING! ALL OVER MY BACK SEAT! I had to do some clever breathing techniques on the way home to keep myself from yakking all over myself due to the smell. The last thing I wanted to do after cleaning up shit and puke IN MY HOUSE was clean it out of my car. That put me over the edge. I was sick the rest of the day/night/day.

Hope Chaweenie learned her lesson…and stays the hell away from my butter.