Meh.

Cleaning my house. I have to do it. Getting my home in order is part of my therapy homework. Even if it means I only do 5 mins. Just do some. Set a goal. Accomplish it. Feel good about yourself.

So here I go.

Fear, Loneliness, Despondency, Gloom, and Depression

Tis the season for the fight of my life.

I have felt quite discouraged as of late. I will tell you why:

I am in therapy. I am stronger than I have ever been. I have been given tools to help me cope. Yet the darkness and sadness still crashes over me like a rogue wave. Every Fall it begins. And every Winter it settles in my personal space like an unwanted houseguest. This is a frightening prospect for me to face.

Think about it: My existence requires me to combat deep sorrow in the winter months. And the sorrow is not brought about by some cataclysmic event. There isn’t some horrible tragedy that leads to my depression. In all honesty….I have no reason to feel like I do. Do you know how shitty that makes me feel? To be so so so deeply miserable yet so many others deal with horrendous life circumstances in comparison to mine. It makes me feel like the biggest asshole. Like I am a whiner. Am I just being weak?  I often feel that way. I question myself. Because to the ignorant people…..my mental illness is just in my head. They tell me that somehow I have control over it. And I am just CHOOSING to be sad. *I am going to take a break here and put up a big fat middle finger to those of you who think this way. If that is how you view mental illness then just get away from me.*  It’s very difficult to try and explain the depth of my personal sorrow. This is why the pull to isolate myself from others is so strong during this time. I just can’t deal with having to explain myself and my behavior and my emotions.  Because it often is invalidating.

I find myself in a shadowed valley every winter.  A cocktail of a warped mind, a chemically dysfunctional brain, and the change in season (primarily the dark gloomy weather of Winter) is the source of this sadness. And recently I have felt ANGRY that this is my lot in life.

Depression hurts. Physically speaking…IT HURTS! My body aches. I feel hideously ugly and lose any interest in how I look. My days consist of work, meals, sleep. That is about as much as I can tolerate. One day at a time. I cannot plan anything in my future. I cannot even imagine tomorrow. I can only just try and breathe through the 24 hours I am presently in.

I have lost all the color in my life. I cannot paint. I can hardly write (which is why I have not posted in forever). My world seems as gray as the skies over Seattle. This might be the most painful part of all this. I am an artist. I need to be able to create. My soul needs that outlet. And when it is blocked, it only adds to the misery.  

Last week’s counseling session was rough. I went through a whole slew of emotions. Sadness, tears, and a lot of ANGER. I feel claustrophobically trapped by Bipolar. Why? Because I have to be on medication. This means that I cannot just get up and go travel the world because I need to have consistent access to my medication. I have to live in a country that offers Lamitrogine/Lamictal. I have to have a job that has sufficient medical coverage….and because of this, at times I feel trapped in my choices career-wise. I have to stay in a job I may be unhappy in primarily because I cannot have a lapse in medical coverage. I am forced to see a psychiatrist (the Dr. that prescribes my meds. My counselor is different…he is a Psychologist) that I don’t like. And until I can find a new one I have to continue to see him simply because I need access to my medication. And that sucks. Big time! The idea of this made me so agitatedly angry in therapy that I couldn’t speak. My throat closed up choking back my tears. FUCK YOU BIPOLAR!!!!!! Sorry for cussing but it really sums up how I feel right now.

I spend the Spring slowly rising to the surface like a scuba diver does to avoid the bends. And I spend the Summer feeling like myself. Feeling strong. Feeling like I can overcome this. Thinking that it won’t take over me in the winter because I will be ready for it. I’m aware. I am ready to look it in its eyes. And then fall arrives and I start to walk along the cliff’s edge. Teetering.  I start to fall down and I am fully aware of it. That’s the part that really sucks. It’s like I am stuck inside someone else’s mind. I feel lucid and aware of the insanity slowly creeping in. I am in control and not in control. I don’t know if that makes sense? You have to live this to truly understand, I guess. Winter hits. And the black box closes on me. I am exhausted by this cycle. I am frightened by the fact that it gets worse every year. I am terrified of having to go to battle with no victory to be awarded. There is no cure. I don’t fight for my life just the one time. I have to do it every year. And again the next year. I put my family through the ringer. FUCK YOU BIPOLAR!!!!

So right now I am taking it day by day. I have to force myself to make good decisions. I have to actively talk myself into showing up for work. I have to force myself to try and stay on task. I literally have to convince myself to go to counseling every week. I don’t want to. But I know I need to. I have to make myself keep a strict sleep schedule (which has not been hard as of late. All I want to do is sleep. You aren’t in pain, physically or emotionally when you sleep. It’s an escape ).  I try and cook healthy meals and not give into the cravings to eat nothing but carbs (PASTA! BREAD! COOKIES!). Depression makes my body want to boost its serotonin levels. And sugar does that, albeit temporary. But it makes things worse in the end. For one, it spikes my serotonin level and then I crash…feeling worse than before. And secondly, it tends to make a person gain weight when all you eat is crap. And gaining weight only enforces this unhealthy view of myself when I look in the mirror. It perpetuates the cycle of despair. I should be exercising but I have not been. I cannot find the motivation. Aside from walking the 4 blocks from parking lot to work as well as walking Chaweenie every day, I don’t do anything else. Not good.

I have a feeling this is going to be a long and hard Winter for me. I just have to keep the promise I made to my Sister and Brother last year….that I don’t ever leave my nieces and nephews without their Auntie. That I don’t leave this earth by my own hand.  And I will keep that promise. Even if that means I tape a sign to my front door that says “4 reasons to live: Shaeli, Treshon, Addison and Aisley”. And tape a sign to my 8^th floor window saying “Don’t Jump!” (LOL! I do think this is sort of comical in a sick and twisted way. I have to be so factual about it. Because those fleeting moments when your mind is not right and you want an out are dangerous. You aren’t thinking right. You are not thinking about the consequences….the ETERNAL consequences of a choice you want to make.  And these 2 words will help me remember to just breathe through this. And wait. 1 min longer. Breathe. Wait. 1 more minute…..breathe. Wait. 1 more minute……and on and on and on until the moment passes.)

So here I sit. Not looking forward to tomorrow. But I am actively choosing to face tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. And the day after that. Until Spring comes….and I can start my measured rise to the surface.

So there it is. It’s real. Maybe I overshared. I don’t really care. Because I know somewhere, someone else is going through the same thing. And that offers a small mustard seed of peace in my heart.

Sara Mo

Sometimes you just have to let people go....

I am making a decision to let go of someone. They will never change. They will never own up to their side of the issue. They will never be open to discussing painful topics so that all parties involved can look to move on. So the issues just fester. As they have for years. Behaviors don't change and the cycle continues.

And it is unhealthy for me to continue relationships with people like this. And my counselor as reminded me that my sole goal is to take care of me first. Identify your triggers and learn how to avoid them. So what do you do when one of your triggers is a person? I have tried to work through some of this by myself...but evenutally the other person needs to own up to their own crap. And their blatent refusal to do this on numerous occasions is only damaging to my mental stability.

So I am letting go. And it doesn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. Just thankful I said what I needed to say. Hopefully this person takes a long hard look at themselves in the mirror. I doubt this will ever happen...but if it does I am certainly open to reconciliation. But some changes need to be made.

Progress...

Sorry I have not posted in a while. There are a few reasons why…..

1.)   I went through a period where I felt like I could not effectively communicate with all of you. It was my own Bipolar version of writer’s block. This blog is important to me and I want to be able to express myself clearly when I post and I just couldn’t drum up the words to do so.

2.)   Work has been very busy and very stressful lately and that last thing I feel like doing is typing more words since all day long I am tippity typing away and my mind and fingers needed a break.

Since being Bipolar is a lifetime journey it has become very important that I explore the foundation and science behind the disease as well as things I can do physically and mentally to assist in avoiding or reducing the negative effects that arise. I am working very hard at learning how to communicate my needs to people. And by focusing on what my needs are I am also seeing what environmental and emotional triggers set me off. Let me explain it another way. I am learning what the ingredients are that, when combined, create a stew that pushes me down into depression. This is not a tasty stew that would make a person want to cook some fluffy buttermilk biscuits to accompany a hot bowl of stewy deliciousness. Oh no no. This stew tastes like death. It tastes like horse hooves and bitter roots boiled in dirty river water over a campfire built from dried buffalo shit and green wood that just smokes rather than burns. No biscuit could mask the subtle smoky-buffalo-shit-with-a-hint-of-hoof flavor. So it’s just best to avoid this stew at all costs.


I have Type II Bipolar. So this means that I experience hypomania on occasion. I do not have full-blown manic episodes where I am completely psychotic and delusional. So I don’t hear voices nor do I see things that aren’t really there. In some cases, hypomania can actually enable an individual to excel in their fields of expertise. The state of hypomania can be apparent in people that are top achievers in the work environment and at parties (some of you have been around me during these states….and I AM the life of the friggin party. I am extra fabulous, hysterically funny and super outgoing. It’s quite fun!). The symptoms in hypomania are mostly positive and may run for about four days before it subsides. Though its manifestation is obvious and can be observed clearly by other people, the "swinging" bipolar (as it is often called) doesn't cause any disruption in normal functional settings. It doesn't cause any hospitalization to a hyperactive person and doesn't have psychotic tendencies. So this is a good thing because it means I am high-functioning. I can hold down a job. BUT……. the same level of hypomania can swing back down into its depressive episode and its effect can be devastating to a person. Manifestations of this depressive state is apparent in broken marriages, badly-ended relationships, unfinished projects, public humiliation, and more. (Aside from the marriage bit I have experienced all of these things….) People with Bipolar II have a significantly higher suicide rate than those suffering from Bipolar I.


How lovely.


So keeping this in mind, my counselor and I have been working on identifying my triggers. What are the little things that have to be present for me to have a breakdown? What needs to be present in order to push me down into the dark valley of depression? Once I really learn these things about myself I can take action. I already have…… I now know that a lot of my triggers are environmental. I must have consistency in my life. I need to take my medication regularly. I must have a very rigid sleep schedule. I cannot eat certain things. I must listen to my body and take care of it when it tells me to. I must recognize stress and take the steps to alleviate it before it spirals out of control. Things like practicing mindfulness as well as breathing techniques are all tools I am sharpening to help me…well…stay alive.


Practicing mindfulness for me means sitting very still and clearing my mind of everything. Have you ever tried to do this? It is HARD!!!!!!!! So what I end up doing is listening to the sound of my breathing. And then start focusing on what I hear around me. Say I am in my apartment and I am trying to practice this. I close my eyes and I listen for the breeze, or the city buses driving by, or the seagulls squawking, or the sound of life going on all around me. It takes my mind off of the future and it puts me in the present. It’s difficult for me to get my mind to shut off like this so it requires practice. I must admit that I don’t do this as often as I probably should.


Yoga and meditation are also things I am going to start doing on a consistent basis. I have to. I can’t not do these things.


I also have to be cognizant of how I act out when all the ingredients are present. I get highly emotional, extremely reactive, harsh, angry, and physically sick. Sometimes I wish I had cameras filming me 24/7 so I could see what I look like through other’s eyes. I want to see what they see. I want to see how my skin gets pale and sallow or how my eyes turn an odd shade of gray when I am in the thick of sadness. Friends have told me that they can literally see my physical attributes change when I am depressed. I either gain weight or I lose it…quickly. Everything about me is covered in a dull gray veil. I find this part of the disease fascinating and my counselor and I talk about it often. It is so strange how something going on in your MIND can affect how your body looks on the outside.


When I know that the ingredients are there and what to look for then that can help me stop myself from saying something rude and reactive to someone simply because my mind is trying to find an outlet to release all of the other shit simmering inside of me. By the time everything builds up all it takes is something small and insignificant to break the dam. I end up overreacting to a situation yet being incapable of explaining that my reaction may seem over the top in comparison to the reality of what is going on but the emotions driving my reaction are very very real. And they didn’t just show up out of nowhere. They have been there…stewing….and occasional my mind forces them out in order to protect itself. And so instinctively I look for an outlet to unleash the torrent.


Work has been very stressful lately plus I am dealing with some relationship issues with a guy. And then my sleeping schedule got out of whack and my body started to feel very exhausted. Then my doctor dropped the ball with my medication prescription and when I went to get a refill I was told I could not. I called my doc and he was out of town on vacation for weeks without listing a backup Dr to contact in emergencies such as this. So I was facing almost a month of not having meds. STRESS-FUL. Uh-oh. Bad news. These are major ingredients. They are coming together. They are starting a stew.


I started to notice that I had cravings to freak out on people, to react negatively and to take things out on unsuspecting bystanders. So I checked myself this week. I wanted to send a scathing email to someone at work. I didn’t (progress). I wanted to send a mean (but true) text to someone. I didn’t (progress). I forced myself to NOT react and to think about the consequences that would come about if I said the things I wanted to say. Because eventually I will calm down and all this will pass and I would prefer to avoid the aftermath that comes when I say something inappropriate when acting out. I cancelled plans with friends because I decided that getting rest, getting back on track with my sleep schedule and spending time alone this week practicing mindfulness was more important than watching a movie, grabbing a beer or socializing with friends (progress). I spent quality time with myself and I did things that would soothe me. Take a long bath, read a good book, enjoy a cup of hot chocolate and go to bed by 9pm. I did this Tuesday night because I had a very emotionally upsetting Monday which affected my sleep. I only got 4 hours of sleep Monday night which then snowballed into me not being ok on Tuesday. Add in more work stress and more personal issues on top of being physically tired and I was well on my way downhill. So I cancelled “bestie time” (so grateful that my BFF, Jeneah, understands when I need to do this.) because I needed to get centered again. Bestie time Tuesday night would have had me up late and I knew that I needed to get back on a good sleep schedule NOW or things will get worse. I also tracked down another doctor that could prescribe me the same meds so I could stay consistent (THANKS GOD!)
So while I was explaining all this to my Counselor yesterday….still seeing some of the ways I could have done better in taking care of myself he made me stop and change my mindset. He helped me see the huge steps of progress I have made. I handled stressful situations fairly well (I can improve…but I already have grown from where I used to be) and I actively used tools learned in counseling to combat this wretched Bipolar. So I walked in his office having a shitty day and I walked out feeling proud of myself. Progress.

Also I am working diligently at figuring out all my triggers and then working on how to communicate with friends, coworkers and loved ones what I need from them in order to help me stay stable. I am trying to identify key words that they can say to me to help me calm down or to guide me in a direction in which I can cope. Hopefully I will have a list of those words for all of you soon….

I’m ok with being Bipolar. I have to be. I just needs others to be ok with it as well. And that starts with being educated about the disease so that you can form some empathy. So you will never see me hide my condition from others. I want you to know everything I know about all this. I will be the first to crack a joke about being “crazy” or mention how many times I have tried to commit suicide. I am not ashamed of it. Those times were not me….they were this disease in action. I am sorry if that makes some people uncomfortable. Oh well. I am still going to be open about it.  And, yes, I know suicide is not a laughing matter. I am not making light of it. I am just trying to humanize a misunderstood topic. If I can get one more “sane” person to open up their mind to the debilitating effects of this disease then perhaps that same “sane” person can help a bipolar individual down the road. And that, my friends, is progress.

I will try to post more consistently. Thanks for reading.

Hugs.

SaraMo

Chaweenie games

I like to play games with my dog. We have staring contests, the usual game of fetch and I also try to race her to my front door.

 

Staring Contests:
These usually happen right when I get home from work. She is trying to get me to take her to the park. So she stares at me…trying to send me “take me outside please” brainwaves. So I stare right back at her and I can tell she is about to burst waiting to hear me say “wanna go outside?”. I stay silent and I just stare right at her…and then it is ON. I have tried to explain the rules to her on several occasions…“Look Chaweenie, the point is to not blink first.”…but I still win most times. But it is usually by default because she will stare and stare and stare at me and right before I am about to blink just to lubricate my dried out eyeballs she winks at me. She blinks just one eye. “Ha!”, I exclaim while pointing a finger at her “a blink is still a blink even if it is a wink. I win!”

Winning feels so good. Hahaha!

Front door race:

Chaweenie is always waiting for me at my door when I get home because the elevator *ding* let’s her know that someone is on the floor and it could possibly be the most awesome person ever…aka ME! When I walk up to my door I can see her shadow through the crack at the bottom. And I can hear her sniffing and snorting through the crack trying to get a whiff to see if it is truly me. When I open the door she explodes into a fury of wiggles, squeaks, pirouettes, and parkour all while having a stupid grin on her face. It’s fun to watch but sometimes it is even more fun to SURPRISE her. So I take the stairs…..and I come out onto my floor all ninja-like and silently tip-toe to my door. No shadow. No snorting under the door crack. YESSSSSSSSSS! She doesn’t know I am home. So I unlock my door as fast as possible and I fling it open and say “HA! GOTCHA WEENIE!”. I usually wake her up from napping on the couch and it is so damn hilarious to watch her wake up from a deep sleep and go straight into over the top excitement. The first 30 seconds she looks sort of drunk… stupidly stumbling around. Then she eventually shakes off her sleep stupor and gets to celebrating my arrival. Boom. Awesomeness.

I can’t wait to go home and beat her to the door, stare at her face and then take her to the park. LOVES YA CHAWEENIE!

brain mildew

this fight against my mind is draining
it's like harvesting bales of hay in the rain
what start out as bricks of light straw
turn into soggy burdens too heavy to lift
somebody drove a combine through my mind
and harvested my emotions into rectangles tied with twine
and then the rain came
I can't lift them up by myself

so they are just sitting in the field
molding on the inside
because the dampness never went away

Grateful...

So last week in my counseling session my counselor pointed out that I am a very grateful person. Which kind of took me off guard a bit. He asked if that had anything to do with my faith. Of course I had to say yes. Because it does. I would not be alive nor happy right now if it wasn’t for God. Period. No doubt about it.

But what struck me about this is I feel that most of the time I am a “glass-half-empty-negative-outlook-conspiracy-theorist” about most things, including God and how He feels about me. So I found it nice that someone looking at me from the outside and hearing me pour out the grossest things about myself every Wednesday can still say “you are a grateful person”. I feel that is the Holy Spirit at work in me and by no means anything I am doing intentionally.

Thanks Dr. Miller. I needed to hear that.

So I am making a quick list of things I am grateful for. Right now. Today. On Tuesday the 21^st of June.

Counseling

Health Insurance (so that I can go see a counselor every week and only have to pay $20 copay each time)

A rad apartment that I LOVE living in

Chaweenie and how damn happy she is to see me every day. Coming home to that makes me feel loved and important

My best friend, Jeneah. No words to say what she and her husband mean to me. And when She tells me she will “cut anyone who messes with me” I know she is telling the truth. That’s the Chola in her. My tiny bestie with a switchblade. You have been forewarned.

For my friend Shauna Tuley…she welcomed me back with open arms last Friday night and it meant the world to me that she harbors no hard feelings or judgement. And I am thankful that she was willing to bang on my front door in March telling me my life was worth something and she will not lose me. I slammed the door in her face. And she still loves me. Thank you, Shauna, for welcoming me back with open arms. It was important to me and you need to know that.

The Sun. Because it is out….and it rarely shows up in Seattle. Ya gotta soak it in while you can. Vitamin D overload…here I come.