I am not 100% myself all the time.

I have a tendency to compartmentalize my personality. I have a fear of having all of my friends together on one room because I wouldn’t know who to be or how to act. I am not 100% myself all the time.

           

            Some of you know only a fraction of who I am. You only see the side of me that I choose to show you. I am very much a chameleon and I can adapt and fit in with most people. I have become very good at being somebody else instead of being who I really am all of the time.

            I think part of why so many friendships of mine have become damaged is because eventually friends experience an ugly side of me that comes out in particular Bipolar cycles. And it’s a side they may never have seen before and it’s a side of me that usually doesn’t display itself.  Because this disease is so misunderstood often the side effects are just chalked up to me being “a bad person”. I’m not saying that being Bipolar excuses behavior. I just wish people would understand that my mental illness makes me more prone to certain behavior and/or reactions than others. So cut me some slack, please!

            When my ugly side comes out, it’s bad…and it feels awkward for me to transition back to the “old me” in front of someone. There is some shame in having someone see the hideous side of this disease and then a few minutes, hours, days, or months later see me be perfectly fine and back to normal. How quickly I morph in front of someone makes me feel more insane than anything else. And I hate feeling insane. So out of self-preservation I tend to just isolate myself from that particular friendship instead of work towards repairing it. I try and wait until I am out of the cycle I am in before I seek out community with others. This isn’t a good thing….but sometimes I feel it others. It sucks to say terrible things to a friend or family member and not be able to take it back. Man….I have done that so many times. I have hurt so many people.      

           

            I have learned what cycles cause me to do that and I am working on methods of control to keep myself from emotional outbursts directed at others. But it’s hard, so be patient with me.