I hope that by talking about being Bipolar and what I personally know about life with it I can lessen the stigma that comes along with “mental illness.” Because nobody is normal. And I think us Bipolar crazy folk experience life in a much more colorful way than the average person. We see the world and we feel emotions unlike anybody else. That is AWESOME and DEVASTING at the same time. I feel I can access parts of my creativity that most can’t. And many of the world’s greatest musicians, artists, poets and writers were/are Bipolar. (awesome) So that says something. But I must also say that many of these same amazingly talented and creative people have also taken their own life. (devastating)
So let me tell you a bit about my version of Bipolar. Mine is considered to be ‘rapid-cycling’ with a tendency to be more depressed than manic. This would explain why doctors diagnosed me as depressed when I was in college and prescribed me anti-depressants. That was the beginning of a long struggle to come to terms with taking medication for mental illness. Because of the misdiagnosis I suffered more then I would have had I not been on meds at all. To give someone who is Bipolar an anti-depressant is to shove them forcefully into mania (or vice-versa). If you only treat the one Pole (the North Pole? Santa is that you?) then the balance is upset. It’s like being on a see-saw and the person across from you jumps off with no warning. It sends you flying! And you don’t have much control. From what I remember that was a very dark and very scary time in my life. I was hyper-manic and pretty much delusional. The drugs made me insane. Literally. As a result of this traumatic time it took me many years after finally being diagnosed as Bipolar to take meds because my fear was so great. Meds are not the total answer (as some would say) but they are simply a tool to help me manage and cope. Anyone who tells you to just take meds and all will be cured is lying to you. A diabetic needs to take insulin because their pancreas doesn’t work. But they also need to watch their diet and they need to exercise. No amount of insulin will reverse the damage a diabetic does to their body by eating junk food and candy all day while sitting on their arse. I view my illness the same way. My brain is broken and I need to take medication in order to stabilize the chemical imbalance. But I still need to seek help outside of that. Counseling, strict diet and lots of sleep are some tools that have become invaluable to me. Also art and allowing for my creativity to come out is very therapeutic.
Some of you know that I have had a rough winter as far as mental health goes. Some of you don’t. That may be because I have gotten pretty good at wearing a mask. My “I’m normal and I have it together” costume. I usually have to wear that one to work…which would explain why I tend to be so exhausted after getting home. I am thankful that God has me in a place where I can manage by Bipolar-ness enough to hold down a steady job. And it does help that I really like my job. That has not always been the case for me and I know a lot of people who are Bipolar do find difficulty in keeping a job. I totally understand why. I’ve been there. I get it.
Recently I experienced what’s called a “mixed mania episode”. That means I was very manic and very depressed AT THE SAME TIME. This is the worst cycle of Bipolar and I have not one of these episodes in a very long time. Looking back on journals it seems I always deal with depression in the winter and a mixed-mania cycle every 4-5 years. This bout was beyond terrifying. I told my counselor that it’s like winning the lottery (We are talking a 350 million lump sum AFTER taxes here, people) and having your entire family murdered on the same day. The highest of emotional high and lowest of emotional low at the same time. Let me tell you, humans are not meant to feel this way and my mind and body literally wanted to shut down out of a need for self-preservation. I think that the majority of Bipolar people who have committed suicide have done so when in the midst of one of these cycles. It is BEYOND brutal. I am trying to find words to describe it. (If any of you are reading this and are bipolar and know what these feels like please don’t hesitate to throw in your 2 cents!) Physically and mentally I can say it is the closest a person can come to hell on earth. At least in my life experience it is. To feel so out of control, tired, angry, awake, lethargic, sad, hopeless, lost, super creative, grandiose yet deliriously happy while thoughts of killing yourself dance through your head is WEIRD. To hold the sanctity of life to the upmost importance (being staunchly Pro-life myself) yet living in a body with a brain that tells you that you are better off to go to sleep and never wake up is devastating. Keep in mind the position your brain holds in your body. Everything is filtered through it. Life. Emotions. Everything. And when your brain is broken it affects every single part of your life. And when your broken brain is skewing reality so much that you feel like the only way out is death (or a reallllly long nap) then you are in serious trouble. And I was. Some of you know from firsthand experience. To put my friends and family through all this only exacerbates the pain. I know that my family spent many nights together weeping over the fact that I may be dead come morning. That hurts my heart to know I had done that to them on more than one occasion. And I want to give hugs to all of you out there that love somebody who is Bipolar. I know it is not easy….but your love and support saves lives. So please don’t ever walk away even when we tell you to “get the hell away from me”.
On a side note. I totally relate to Charlie Sheen (except for the porn star and drug addiction bit). That man is going through some serious mania….and I am very sad for him that is happening on such a grand and public scale. And that people are making fun of him for his antics. Same thing when Britney Spears seemingly lost her marbles in the public eye. I have been there. I have done some REALLLLLLY crazy stuff in my life. Luckily there was no cameras or paparazzi around to record every minute of them. So keep this in mind when you ridicule the stuff Charlie says or make fun of ‘shaved head wacked out Britney’ beating up a car with an umbrella. Their minds are warped and are killing their bodies and we treat it as entertainment. Not so cool, if you ask me.
I hope to not make this blog ALL about Bipolar. I want it to be about my life in general. Sometimes life is fun. Sometimes life is hard. and I plan on sharing it all with you.
Thanks for reading.
*Hugs*
Sara Mo
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